Category Archives: One Shots – Fiction

Re-gifted Christmas Tales

And so we draw nearer to yet another Christmas. InĀ deference to the hectic pace of 2012, I would like to repost two of my Christmas New-Classics: Krampus and The Night Before Anti-Christmas. These are dark tales meant to add a little savory to your sweet. Take my words with a grain of Celtic sea salt and an elven tongue in cheek. Tis the season, dontcha know…

Merry Christmas!
Brett – The Original Kris Kringle

 

Krampus

Krampus

 

Dark Family Circus

The Nightmare Before Anti-Christmas

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THE ESSENTIAL ALI KAZAM


“You got KPLX-FM, the The Phantom Zone! This is Jimbo Cole, who’s this?”

“Uh…hello?”

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!

“Whoa, man..turn off your radio, dude! We got feedback meltdown!”

“Oh…yeah, ok. (pause) That better?”

“Yeah, you’re good to go. So…what’s your name, Zoner?”

“Huh?”

“Your N A M E, Zoner.”

“Oh, Bep. It’s Bep. B…E…P. Bep.”

“Bep, er…yeah, got it. What kinda drugs did your Momma do when she was preggers?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. (beat) You’re on the Phantom Zone, Bep. GO!!”

“Hello?”

“I said go, Bep. What do you wanna say to your fellow Zoners?”

“Oh. Sorry. I’m a… (beat)…a little nervous.”

“It’s cool Bep. Take a deep breath and spit it out. It’s a full moon, brother…and the Veneer is thinner than Gee Dubbya’s moral code.”

(laugh track rises, then falls)

“Um…well…something happened to me yesterday. And I need some help figuring out what to do.”

“Ok, ok…cool, Bep. What happened?”

“Well, um…er, I found a book.”

“A book?”

“Yeah.”

“Hard or Softcover?”

(rim-shot sound effect)

“Oh. Hard. Yeah, it was a hardcover. An old, uh..thing. Like an old Bible. But definitely not a Bible, if you know what I mean.”

“Not really, Bep. But go ahead.”

“Well, it was sitting on the shelf in the used book store by my house. It looked pretty cool. Like an old spell book or…well, it was cool, so I bought it. It didn’t say anything on the cover but “THE ESSENTIAL ALI KAZAM in gold letters”.

“Ali, what?”

“Kazam”

“Umm hmm. That’s what I though you said. And, what’s so special about this book, Bep? How can the Zone Troopers help you?”

“Well, um…that’s the thing. The Zone Troopers can’t help me at all. I thought about it, but it’s way too late for that.”

“What do you mean, Bep? Too late? For what? What’s it too late for?”

“Um, helping me. (beat) All of us, actually.”

“Ya know, Bep. I really don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. We do have other callers. Hold on for me and we’ll be right back, ok Bep?”

(click)

“You got KPLX-FM, the The Phantom Zone! Who’s this?”

“MEVRINOCALE CURIIS BENTRO VOLUM……TZAYN!!”

(sizzle)

(beat)

“Hello?”

(click)

“You there, caller?”

(buzzer)

“Uh, Jim. We’re gonna go to standby. The uh…well, the sky just turned red and it’s raining body parts. ”

“Huh?”

“Body parts, Jimbo. We’re going to standby in three, two…”

“NO!!! (click) BEP!!!! You still there?”

“Um..yeah. This is Bep.”

“BEP!! WHAT THE FUCK!?”

“Oh, that’s Ali Kazam.”

“The book guy?!”

“Yeah, that’s him.”

“What the hell does he want? And how the hell did he make the sky turn red and (gulp) the uh, rain…ya know?!”

“He’s a djinn.”

“Gin? Like the booze?”

“No. Like, uh…ya know, a genie.”

“Uh, yeah. Ok, ok, ok…a djinn.”

“So, Bep. What does he want?”

“Well, to destroy us, Jimbo.”

“What for? I mean…how? What the HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?”

(buzz)

“Uh, Jimbo. The parking lot just burst into flames. Everything above Center Street’s gone all Backdraft. (beat) It’s a living hell, Jimbo.”

(click)

“BEP! How do we stop this…er, um….Djinn!?”

(beat)

“You don’t.”

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, Bep. Why the hell did you call?”

“Just to let somebody know. It wasn’t my fault. I just bought the book. Bush’s war…it’s gone too far. A door’s been opened and there’s no way to close it. (beat) I just wanted to tell you…the Zoners too. (beat) It’s not my fault.”

(buzz)

“Uh, Jimbo. There are a bunch of zombies banging on the studio door. You still got that hammer in your desk?”

(click)


Gameboy Boxer

Akbar: So, this guy goes into a bar…and he sees this black guy…

Jeff: Wait. Stop. I don’t wanna hear it.

Akbar: Why not? You don’t even know what I’m gonna say.

Jeff: It’s going to be humor derived from racial stereotypes. No thanks.

Akbar: But how do you know?

Jeff: I know.

Akbar: But how?

Jeff: I just do.

Akbar: But maybe I was gonna say something like – ‘and the black guy was playing a Gameboy with boxing gloves on.

Jeff: Forget it.

Akbar: Why?

Jeff: Because.

Akbar: Why?!

Jeff: Ok. So the African American was playing a Gameboy with boxing gloves on. And I’m sure it has something to do with ‘those guys are naturally good at boxing because they’re always fighting and they have no problem attacking one another and they’re not very smart anyway so it doesn’t matter if they get their friggin brains caved in!’

Akbar: Uh, no. But now that you mention it…

Jeff: See?!? You are racist. You’re a friggin bigot and I don’t want to go there.

Akbar: A bigot?! ME?!?

Jeff: Yes. And you know it. So, let’s change the subject.

Akbar: Ok ok ok ok ok ok. What do you want to talk about?

Jeff: Well (looks around) …let’s see. You’re drinking Starbucks. Tea? Coffee? Latte? Chai?

Akbar: Coffee.

Jeff: Ok. What kind?

Akbar: Black. (smirks)

Jeff: DAMMIT!! See?! You can’t be serious…

Akbar: Ok ok ok ok ok. new subject. New subject.

Jeff: Fine. What do YOU want to talk about?

Akbar: What nationality are you?

Jeff: What?

Akbar: Nationality. What are you?

Jeff: That’s a stupid god damned question. What am I? I’m a human being?

Akbar: What nationality.

Jeff: American.

Akbar: Ethnic origin

Jeff: No.

Akbar: Come on. What…racial stock are you?

Jeff: Racial stock? Jesus Christ! I’m not going there with you. This conversation is over.

Akbar: Why? Are you ashamed? Too..white?

Jeff: Oh, there it is. You opened the gate. Now the lion is loose.

Akbar: Well, I asked you a simple question..

Jeff: You asked me a difficult and complex question. I come from family lineage originating in several different countries. I am NOT white! College ruled note paper is white. And ya know? Racial separatism is at the root of many problems facing our world. MANY! In the end, it just doesn’t matter WHAT your background is. We are born into this life at the mercy of others. Our birth is not our choice. If birth is not our choice, then there is no way you can judge somebody on racial history and ignorant stereotypes. We are what we say. We are a product of our actions. My life is defined by what I do on this planet. And when it comes right down to it…we are all HUMAN FUCKIN BEINGS! (long pause)

Now…why the fuck was the guy playing Gameboy with his boxing gloves on?

Akbar: Ya know. My grandmother was half white.