Category Archives: Crab Dance & Rants

Arachnids in the Shadow of Death


Spiders are evil.

Do not try to make peace with them. Why should you?! They were sent here to instill fear in the hearts of those that have the power for change. It’s in the BIBLE!! Arachnids 5:7

“And behold. The Devil hath cast down a web upon mankind. And in this web he shall collect the sins of his heart and make them real as the food of evil. And lo, upon the web appeareth a beast with legs of eight and fangs that drippeth in the nectar of despair. And he shall be called…spider.”

If God decrees them evil, how arrogant are we mortals to try to befriend them. No! Turn your kind face to rage! Grab your spider-sucker (vacuum) and SUCK SUCK SUCK!!!!! Suck until their little legs fly off! Suck until their poison glands are mashed into something that resembles, well…, er…um…MASHED POISON SACKS!! If you see one in your car, pull the thing over IMMEDIATELY and vent the Lord’s wrath upon the silent little devil! He has NO BUSINESS being in your car to begin with! Does he open the lid on his comfy recycle bin only to find you curled up inside, nestled amongst the soda bottles as if you were – and we know you weren’t- minding your own human business?!? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

So kill and kill again! Even Buddha would agree. As a matter of fact,

“The winds of purity blow gently across the decaying carcass of the spider.”

SEE?! Even Buddha. B-U-D-D-H-A! OOoohhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm.

Ok. Are we clear? Is all this creepy peace-nick hug-a-demon crap purged from your mind?

Good. Let me leave you with this story.

About two months ago, I was doing the dishes after a rather yummy pork roast dinner. It was late for dish duty – maybe 9:30pm. Suddenly, I hear a ‘tack tack tack’ in rapid succession. Then across the window screen in front of my face a large white disk moved diagonally to the upper right corner. What the deuce?! I pull back the curtain…OH SWEET JESUS! It’s a cane spider (HUGE), crawling on the outside of the screen, tucked into the corner of MY window (remember Buddha’s words).The disk that caught my attention? AN EGG SACK!!! READY TO BURST!!! This friggin’ sack was as big as a quarter and BULGING like Ripley’s worst nightmare! I grabbed the sink hose, intensified the hot water flow and BAM!! I hit that bitch with the full intensity of my scorching, hellfire, aqua power emitter!! And ya know what happened? The egg sack erupted like an eight legged, evil volcano! The cane spider flew off the window, taking with it any semblance of my sanity. But the worst was yet to be realized. 100 billion miniature Satanic cane spiders simultaneously rushed the tiny holes of the screen and invaded! ATTENTION ALL CREW – WE HAVE BEEN BOARDED! I grabbed the Simple Green Citrus (instant death to most bugs – especially mosquitos) and proceeded to blast as fast as I could blast. POW! PEEWWW!! BAM!! Did I get them all? No way. No @$!#’ing way…

Is there a man-sized handful of those tiny death-dealers maturing on the cold streets of my cabinet backs? Probably. Will I be diligent? Bank on it, baby. In the weeks following the ‘Great Spawn of 2005’, I sent three of that bitch’s spawn back to hell.

Now, I love animals as much as the next Batman-loving, bear-identified, Scorpio theatre director from New Jersey. But spiders? They’re not animals. Come on. You know I’m right. Make friends with them? NEVER! Feel bad about killing them? Just how old are you, little girl?

– August 26, 2005


Sticken with the Gout

So…I got the blood test back and the doctor uttered a mouthful of words I didn’t want to hear. “You have gout and a positive reading for rheumatoid arthritis. Ok. So, what does that mean? Old men get gout. Rich old men like Thurston Howell on “Gilligan’s Island” and Ebenezer Scrooge. I’m not a kid anymore, but I’m not THAT old! Right? Ok, let’s look at the positive. I’m on good meds with a good doctor. I have a cool cane, giving me more the gate of TV’s Dr. House than any old storybook codger. And we caught it early. With dietary change, medication and exercise I can kick (oops) or rather, gently nudge this disease. But what about the arthritis? I say, bring it on! I can take it. I’ve almost died twice and have been through more pain than most guys my age. Like Nietzsche said, “That which doesn’t kill me…” Well, you get the idea.

Good-bye shellfish, liver and turkey. Hello yummy pineapple, coffee and tofu! Veggies, veggies, fruit fruit fruit….

Dear Facebook

Our relationship has proven difficult at times. You’re self-centered and insensitive. You are inconsiderate of my privacy and always prattling on about the minutia in other peoples’ lives. I need my space. I need some peace and you’re not ready to listen to my feelings. When you’re near me, I feel agitated and overwhelmed. And above all…you just don’t care, FB. Your pokes, your “like” this and “like” that…all your friends. It means nothing, does it? Good-bye, FB. We had some fun…


Aloha all…

This is a posting an online acquaintance made on his blog this past Thanksgiving. It moved me more than anything I’ve ever read in all the social network kind of sites combined. Simple truths, my friends…


Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Different Kind of Thanksgiving

This is not the pilgrims and the Indians, this is not the large family surrounding the table filled with freshly baked turkey and gravy. Today is just me and mom…and dad….sort of.

Dad is dying. There really is no way around this. He is confined to a hospital bed in the front room and is barely responding. Mom and I have adjusted his position to keep him comfortable. He opens his eyes, but can’t speak. He is a frail, wilted skeleton of the man that was my father. We were never close as I was growing up. Over the years, he has mellowed and I’ve come to appreciate his love for me. Now, though, there is really nothing left. My dad has always had a dry sense of humor, but I could always make him laugh. Try as I may, he isn’t laughing anymore, or even smiling. His chest rattles as his lungs fill with fluid….again. Mom and I have spent the day talking about what we’re gonna do….after. We’ve got to get a funeral home here, and then we’ll need to get dad’s ashes home (his real home, Cape Cod) for a scattering at sea. There will be a memorial service at some point there and probably one here in FL as well. So much to do, and he’s not even dead yet.

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An apology, a promise and a gift.

Aloha, my friends.

I know. I’m a bad fiction-tease. I’ve been so bogged down by school and work..that I’ve allowed life to get in the way of living. I am sorry.

But things will change. Promise.

So here’s the best gift i can give you. Enjoy it and savor the groove!

My Inner Punisher

Ok. So you may or may not know me well. But trust me when I say that I (pause) believe (pause) in peace.

I love animals, babies, old folks, dads with their kids, moms getting flowers, the color blue, everyday heroes and random acts of kindness. I try to save the environment, wipe out racism and help people understand that we’re all one race. In order to survive as a species, we need to come together and work toward a common goal. So that’s theme. Give peace chance. End the war. Free Tibet. And, darn it…let’s get along.

But ya know, even a peacenik like me can reach his plateau. You know, the goodness ceiling. The final straw, so to speak.

I am so sick and tired of witnessing – day by day – human acts of abomination. A couple of months ago a man threw a neighbor’s baby off of a highway overpass. A man was arrested for raping his own infant. Another stellar example of humanity apparently hit a woman with his car as she suddenly jumped in the path of his exterminator company truck. While driving her to the hospital -according to Saint Bug Killer – the woman became hysterical and jumped from the moving vehicle. Afraid of losing his job, he proceeded to drive to the hardware store where he purchased some duct tape, shovel and other assorted grave digging supplies. All the while, the young woman’s decaying corpse lay stuffed in his truck utility box. When frustration reached a fever pitch, he simply waded her out into the ocean and let her go. At his trial, his defense lawyer supported his claims that the woman died when she jumped out of the moving truck – striking her head on a rock. Silly girl! And ya know what? This young feller didn’t commit murder. NAY!!! He simply made a “bad decision”.

So. Back to me. The peace man. Bringer of smile. Spreader of happiness.

Know this. If someone I loved was killed and stuffed in a tool box awaiting a clandestine burial by a man who made a bad decision…

…my Inner Punisher would open a huge, motherfucking can of whoop ass!

Pray for us.

Barnes Ignoble

Barnes Ignoble

Well. One of either two things has happened. A) I’ve reached the venerable age and life-experience level to earn the title: curmudgeon. B) I’ve once again identified an evil downward trend in human civilization – THE FLOOR SITTERS!Ok, boys and girls. I get it. The big book stores actually encourage you to grab a book, magazine or manga/graphic novel, and have at it. Read the thing! Peruse, review, flip, skip, absorb…hell, photocopy the thing if you want. They can afford your NOT buying their merchandise. And besides, YOU are the sole purpose of this universal real estate, right? So, have a sit and enjoy the complete Lord of the Rings series! Yahoo! God bless! Shazam! B&N, Borders and their posse actually provide comfy butt-cuddlers for your comatosian pleasure. With you, I take no umbrage. Carry on…

Now. The other form of newer-than-cellphone organisms – I’ll call them FLOOR SITTERS…well you had better beware. I’m after you! You grab your stack of magazines and crash wherever the hell you want. Peel open your favorite girlie manga, bennnnnnd back the pages, rabbit ear whenever you get a yawn on. I mean, RIP INTO THAT BITCH! The books, the mags..THE FLOOR is yours for the taking.

I’ve seen it all. Reading while eating a full plate lunch (boxed meal) in the Mystery section. Travel gets the frumpy house mom, deeply engrossed in a hilarious collection of Farside comics. Fantasy? OH CHRIST, FANTASY!! Walking through there is a fucking slalom. Vampires and Dungeons and Dragons and many, many, many, many different kinds of mancers with head-jacks, trolls, wizards and pixies and just so many goddamned critters you have an inalienable right to enjoy!

FLOOR SITTERS are in the Bargain section, Children’s, Home Improvement, Art, Gay/Women’s god. Gimme me a break or stab me in the eye with one of their snapped-off finger bones!

Ok, know this. If I stumble across one more y’all…I’m gonna step right the fuck on you! I’m going to kick you, trip on you, knee you, slip and “accidentally” knoffle your noggins. And you wanna know why? YOU DESERVE IT! The floor is made for walking! The book shelves hold books so that customers might VIEW the selection. It’s not difficult to understand. Get the hell off your lazy, cheap asses. You wanna review a book? Go online! Research. MOOCH!

This is my truth. This is my manifesto. Hear me and know that…should we meet in B&N or Borders – be standing. Prop against a pillar. Sit in a cushy chair. Hover over the bookmark rack and tither at the mere mortal not so empowered. But if you’re on the floor – you low-life fuck – I’m gonna kick you. Hard.