Arachnids in the Shadow of Death

spider

Spiders are evil.

Do not try to make peace with them. Why should you?! They were sent here to instill fear in the hearts of those that have the power for change. It’s in the BIBLE!! Arachnids 5:7

“And behold. The Devil hath cast down a web upon mankind. And in this web he shall collect the sins of his heart and make them real as the food of evil. And lo, upon the web appeareth a beast with legs of eight and fangs that drippeth in the nectar of despair. And he shall be called…spider.”

If God decrees them evil, how arrogant are we mortals to try to befriend them. No! Turn your kind face to rage! Grab your spider-sucker (vacuum) and SUCK SUCK SUCK!!!!! Suck until their little legs fly off! Suck until their poison glands are mashed into something that resembles, well…, er…um…MASHED POISON SACKS!! If you see one in your car, pull the thing over IMMEDIATELY and vent the Lord’s wrath upon the silent little devil! He has NO BUSINESS being in your car to begin with! Does he open the lid on his comfy recycle bin only to find you curled up inside, nestled amongst the soda bottles as if you were – and we know you weren’t- minding your own human business?!? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

So kill and kill again! Even Buddha would agree. As a matter of fact,

“The winds of purity blow gently across the decaying carcass of the spider.”

SEE?! Even Buddha. B-U-D-D-H-A! OOoohhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm.

Ok. Are we clear? Is all this creepy peace-nick hug-a-demon crap purged from your mind?

Good. Let me leave you with this story.

About two months ago, I was doing the dishes after a rather yummy pork roast dinner. It was late for dish duty – maybe 9:30pm. Suddenly, I hear a ‘tack tack tack’ in rapid succession. Then across the window screen in front of my face a large white disk moved diagonally to the upper right corner. What the deuce?! I pull back the curtain…OH SWEET JESUS! It’s a cane spider (HUGE), crawling on the outside of the screen, tucked into the corner of MY window (remember Buddha’s words).The disk that caught my attention? AN EGG SACK!!! READY TO BURST!!! This friggin’ sack was as big as a quarter and BULGING like Ripley’s worst nightmare! I grabbed the sink hose, intensified the hot water flow and BAM!! I hit that bitch with the full intensity of my scorching, hellfire, aqua power emitter!! And ya know what happened? The egg sack erupted like an eight legged, evil volcano! The cane spider flew off the window, taking with it any semblance of my sanity. But the worst was yet to be realized. 100 billion miniature Satanic cane spiders simultaneously rushed the tiny holes of the screen and invaded! ATTENTION ALL CREW – WE HAVE BEEN BOARDED! I grabbed the Simple Green Citrus (instant death to most bugs – especially mosquitos) and proceeded to blast as fast as I could blast. POW! PEEWWW!! BAM!! Did I get them all? No way. No @$!#’ing way…

Is there a man-sized handful of those tiny death-dealers maturing on the cold streets of my cabinet backs? Probably. Will I be diligent? Bank on it, baby. In the weeks following the ‘Great Spawn of 2005’, I sent three of that bitch’s spawn back to hell.

Now, I love animals as much as the next Batman-loving, bear-identified, Scorpio theatre director from New Jersey. But spiders? They’re not animals. Come on. You know I’m right. Make friends with them? NEVER! Feel bad about killing them? Just how old are you, little girl?

– August 26, 2005

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About bretticus

My name is Brett Thomas Botbyl. Iʻm a rogue, nomadic Scorpio madman theatre director with a love of cheese, dogs, zombies and telling the many stories woven from the threads of my fabulous life. You watch as I revise the world... View all posts by bretticus

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