The Night Before Anti-Christmas

Dark Family Circus
(MATURE THEMES – WARNING)

Aloha, my friends…

I wrote this one strange and lonely night just a bit before Christmas, 2005.

Please allow me this holiday whimsy inspired by the late master of the macabre, H.P. Lovecraft and his pseudonym L. Frank Baum. Together to the world they bring Oz, Cthulhu, Santa, the Elder Things and me…

Be warned – this is dark stuff. But then again, so is the Bible.

Merry Christmas with all my love!

HO HO HO!
Brett

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Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature left breathing, not even a mouse.
The kitty cat hung by the chimney with care,
With rope made of sinew and blood-mottled hair.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With urine-soaked newspaper stuffed in their heads.
My wife in her panic, and me in my drink,
Were frozen in terror with drawers full of stink.

When up from the kitchen came a sulfurous reek,
and eggnog fueled bile forbade me to speak.
So away to the window I flew like a comet,
to expel too much turkey and Maker’s Mark vomit.

My yard all covered in snow fallen fresh
and a garage-sized orifice of puckering flesh.
When all of the sudden I heard from the den
a sickening thumping again and again.

So off to the hallway I started so quick
but to slip in a viscous puddle of sick.
I bit through my tongue on the way to a shout
and choked on the torrent as blood filled my mouth.

MARY, THERE’S SOMEBODY DOWN IN THE KITCHEN!
But Mary was taken by shakin’ and twitchin’.
So, I jumped to my feet and threw open the door
and stepped to the hallway, not there anymore.

Shout SALLY! Shout BILLY! Shout MITTENS! Shout ROVER! –
not knowing by now their existence was over.
So over the splintered once Mahogany rail,
I leapt to the burning with a passionate wail!

As I dropped the intruder had started to laugh
and toss Rover’s head as he ripped him in half.
I grabbed for a golf club and shot down the hall
past a sickening phrase drawn in blood on the wall:

MERRY CHRIST FUCK,
TO YOU ONE AND ALL!!!

I shrieked and recoiled as he withdrew from the den,
with somebody’s testicle impaled on a pen.
NO DANCING PLUMS OF SUGAR I’LL EAT THIS HERE BALL
as this Anti-Claus Demon dragged his bag down the hall.

SO WILLIAM, YOU THOUGHT YOU’D AVOID ALL YOUR SIN,
WHILE HELPING YOURSELF TO YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW’S SKIN.
AND SO NOW HERE I DECK THESE HALLS WITH YOUR LIFE.
THIS MESS YOU CAN BLAME ON THE CURSE OF YOUR WIFE!

BRING DOWN THAT BASTARD AND RIP OUT HIS HEART,
BY TEARING THE LIFE THAT WE’VE BUILT ALL APART!
SHATTER HIS FAIRY TALE LIFE SO PERVERSE!
I SUMMON YOU DEMON WITH THIS BLOODY CURSE!

Then up from above my wife started to sing
while Anti-Clause fondled and groped at his thing.
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, MISS MARGARET SCORN?
TO SUMMON ME NOW WITH MY HOLIDAY HORN?

She dropped down before me and started to shed,
the soiled night gown that she wore in our bed.
OH MASTER, YOU BASTARD TO YOU I NOW SING!
TAKE ME! IMPALE ME NOW ON THAT THING!

Then off toward the back door I quickly did lurch,
as back in the den came a sickening splurch.
I ran out the mud room and into the street
on glass-shredded masses I used to call feet.

HELP ME! MY FAMILY! MY KIDS THEY’RE ALL DEAD!
My past infidelity danced in my head.
Further and further I ran through the pain,
and with each new step I grew less and less sane.

So here from my cottage of padding and drain,
in this bright wonderland of the criminally insane…
This season be nice for the naughty will fall.
Merry Christmas…Merry Christmas…to one and to all.

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About bretticus

My name is Brett Thomas Botbyl. Iʻm a rogue, nomadic Scorpio madman theatre director with a love of cheese, dogs, zombies and telling the many stories woven from the threads of my fabulous life. You watch as I revise the world... View all posts by bretticus

5 responses to “The Night Before Anti-Christmas

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